Signs Your Friendship Is Over
How do you know when your friendship is over? ❤️🩹
If you’ve come to this article, chances are something feels off with a friend in your life. I’d like to start by saying, don’t disregard your gut feelings.
Hey, I’m Vanessa and I proudly serve as the Partner & Co-CEO at #WeAllGrow Latina, and I’ve had my fair share of relationships that went from, this is my best friend for life!! to we barely speak anymore 😣. This advice is based on my personal experiences and tips I’ve given my mentees and friends to help them navigate how to handle friendships that aren’t what they used to be and what to do about it.
Breakups are hard, especially so with a friend because there is so much grey area. There are some telltale and also some not so obvious signs that your friendship has run its course.
This doesn't have to end badly, but we know that sometimes life doesn’t work that way. What I can tell you is that it will be uncomfortable, but I find that a self-aware person usually knows when things are no longer the same. It's the acknowledgment of the realness of the situation that makes it harder to digest.
Before I get into the signs, my personal opinion is that you should always wish that person well. At some point in your relationship, you couldn't have imagined not having that person as your ride or die. I want you to know that in order for you to truly move on and make peace with the situation, forgiveness is the first step to healing and moving on.
As you grow older and evolve, it's only natural that all of the relationships in your life will see some change. Even in the healthiest of relationships, the frequency of communication could and will change and that's likely due to time vested, intrapersonal dynamics, and the level of trust that was developed throughout the years. There are some core values that act as an invisible string between your relationship that keeps your friendship together, despite location, time zone, life change, and even fluctuation in your communication. I recommend you take inventory of your friendships and even journal about them. I’ve come to find that it helps to look back instead of allowing your own memory to give you a realistic depiction of what may have transpired.
On the other hand, you can also say adios in the most compassionate and mature way possible, when the invisible strings are no longer holding your friendship together.
So, how do you know when to move that person to the "someone I used to know" box? Sounds harsh right? That's because it is and there's nothing wrong with that. Here are 10 signs that your friendship is over.
In fact, telltale sign #1 that your friendship has run its course is,
you only communicate out of obligation or because you feel bad. I had a friend that I would literally text right after going number 2. Yep you are reading right my friends. We were that close. Since our teenage years we would speak about the things that felt taboo to speak about out loud. Not with this friend. At the peak of our friendship, she was the first person I would go to for anything. Now, she doesn’t even have my new cell number. It was a gradual decline, one that I began to witness when I started prioritizing my needs because I became tired and resentful of always helping her clean up her mess. She also met new friends and I began to notice how differently she acted around them. There were many things in between that was enough for me to say, i’m done with this, but the #1 sign for me was that I cared less and less about texting or calling her.
Sign #2:
When you message, say something important, something that is worthy of a response and you don't get one. It’s the equivalent of getting left on read. A friend responds whether you'll like the answer or not. If they don't, that person is simply not prioritizing you to take the time to respond. Listen, not everyone has stellar communication skills. However, with any type of relationship, proper and consistent communication is the glue. If you are seeking your friend for advice, or sharing life shattering news and get you short worded responses or barely any response at all, that is a sign your friendship is over.
I do want to caveat this by saying that sometimes when people go through things, they deal by closing themselves off. We don’t know what is going on in someone else’s mind so before you take your friend off your holiday greeting card list, check in to make sure they are ok. I am a fan of direct communication. “Hey, you ok? I noticed were not speaking as often as we normally do, and I don’t want to assume it’s because of me or us, but if it is, let me know. I’d love to talk about it.” I have tried this exact text twice. With one friend, she responded 2 days later saying she was just busy with work, blah blah blah, her usual short response and nothing more. Never addressed her lack of responsiveness other than “been busy with work bf”. With another friend, she let me know that she was indeed dealing with stuff and wanted alone time but assured me that it had nothing to do me me/us. You see, when you care about someone and if they mean something to you, you can be honest and let them know that you just need time alone.
Sign #3:
This one may not be so obvious and you likely mean no harm by it, but if you find yourself gossiping about your friend (or the other way around), then something isn’t right. If things were cool as they should be, why wouldn't you be speaking to your friend directly instead of about them?
You want people who speak highly of you, advocate on your behalf, and most importantly don’t talk sh*t about you. If you get the sense that someone is doing a lot of talking behind your back, address it. Don’t base it off assumptions, get yourself closure and go straight to the source. I will give you an example. I use to have a friend that enjoyed spreading gossip by lying about things that were said. She would create so much drama in our group of friends that we staged an intervention of sorts. We met up and decided to fact check the stories we’ve been hearing and realized that all of the lies and misinformation was coming from one person. So we confronted her. Looking back, I’d probably handle it at one of our homes instead of a bar but we were worried she would act out and wanted to do it in a public place. She admitted that she was gossiping and in a unanimous way, ended our friendship with her. It was brutal for both sides.
My friendships are built on trust and on the fact that the friends I have today would speak so damn highly of me that people would want to meet me and chill with me before even meeting me! I do that in return for my friends, because we realize that to build good and long-lasting mature friendships, lies, gossip, and jealousy can’t exist in healthy relationships. Trust and respect are values that must be mutually upheld.
If you need a few more reasons before making up your mind, here are some other signs that can tell you if your friendship is over:
Sign #4
You only catch up on social media. Like it or not, friends talk to one another. Whether it's a silly text exchange, a voice note, a tag on social media, or even a meaningful DM. Only seeing them in a virtual world and not engaging outside of that, no longer qualifies that person as your bff.
Sign #5
They are not growing and evolving with you. Part of existing in this lifetime is the privilege of evolving emotionally, spiritually, physically, and also financially. They are wanting to remain where they are and lack awareness regarding your changing priorities.
Sign #6
They aren’t present during important moments in your life. Take a moment to think, when you were going through something, and wanted some comfort from a friend, did that person even cross your mind?
Sign #7
Conversations are awkward and you put off speaking to them.
Sign #8
You're 100% ok with the fact that you no longer speak.
Sign #9
It's become a one-way relationship. You're the one texting, calling, remembering birthdays, checking in with no or little response. (BTW, liking your text without an actual response to your message is wack.)
Sign #10
They broke cardinal rules such as: sleeping with your significant other, sabotaging an important moment in your life, putting hands on you (I don’t care how many housewives episodes you’ve seen, putting your hands on someone is never ok.), creates constant distress and fights within your relationships, lies to you and never shows up when promised.
If you've made up your mind and have plenty of evidence that your friendship is over and want to end your friendship gracefully, here are a few things you can do:
Give yourself time to grieve. Don’t end your friendship in the heat of the moment. If you just finished having a disagreement, saying things like “I’m done with this”, “I’m done with you”, “Never contact me again”, “We’re not friends anymore, I’m going to block you”, does not support you in letting go of your friendship gracefully. Give yourself a moment to calm down, breathe, and thoughtfully craft what you want to say.
There is no right way to end a friendship, and to be honest, unless you wish to remain friends or patch things up, a text message should do.
Stick to the facts. It takes a huge amount of self-awareness to not personalize things. However, when you stick to the key points as to when/how your relationship broke down, it makes it easier to digest. It may feel good in the moment to want to hurt someone who hurt you, but you are better than that. Don’t allow your ego to drive your decisions.
If you feel compelled to and based on what has transpired that led to your friendship ending, you can also thank them for their friendship and wish them well.
By moving on, you are saving yourself from having forced or awkward interactions and spending time with them whilst they bring zero value to your life.
You see what I mean by grey area? Friendships are diverse and sometimes there is no right way. You just have to handle it in the manner that feels good to you. You won’t always get closure, and sometimes you’ll just get ghosted, so you have to give yourself closure.
What If You Want To Rekindle?
Honest and direct confrontation are important. You can't have a friendship with someone who you have to chase down and can't tell you what's wrong. Ask them for time and put it on the table. Something like "I know things haven't been the same, but I'd like to still be friends. How do you feel?". If you sense hesitation and feel like you aren't receiving a genuine response, take that as a sign. Not everyone is strong enough to walk away from something or someone that is no longer serving them. Also, not everyone is good at expressing themselves so it leaves you to make the hard call. So do it for both of you.
What if you're on the opposite end and don't wish to continue the friendship? Be honest. You can say something like, "While we had some great times and I appreciated your friendship, I just don't think we are there anymore. I will always wish you well". Period.
Friendships are complex and so are you.
Remember, you don't need to feel guilty when you've grown beyond a friendship. In this vast world with billions of people, there's someonw out there who shares your values and is eager to cheer you.
So, as you navigate the various winding paths of friendship, embrace the ebb and flow of connections. Cherish the moments shared and the lessons learned. And always keep an open heart, ready to welcome new friends into your life, because it may not be today but I truly believe there is someone out there who will appreciate and reciprocate the unique bond you have to offer.
I hope this article helped you get clarity and hopefully closure. Sending you a hug, because we all need one from time to time. (Actually we all need about 8 hugs a day. So please, hug yourself!)
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*Images courtesy of Unsplash for Squarespace
About Vanessa Santos @vanessasantosfein
Vanessa Santos is the Co-CEO & Partner of #WeAllGrow Latina, a spiritual branding, business and life advisor and a dog mom. She has been featured by Thrive Global, Ellevest, Forbes, Entreprenistas, and Univision. Interested in reaching a new level of growth & creating better habits to achieve your goals? Private guided guidance is for you. Get in touch.
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